Nearing the end of my first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, I was beginning to feel "safe"...past the initial critical development and past the early miscarriage fears. Last weekend I even posted our news on my blogs. But now, after my Thursday doctor appointment, I feel deceived, deceived by my own body. I have had what they call a missed miscarriage...meaning, at 6 wks and 2 days development something went wrong...and the embryo's heart stopped beating. My body, on the other hand, never got the memo and continued to develop and support the life it, I believe, wanted as badly as my heart did. So here I sit, with an 11 week pregnant body, and no live baby. I had been concerned as to the health of the baby, but always put it off as the normal fears. I think in some way, I must have known. The last few weeks were more worrisome than normal and I kept second guessing myself, even took another pregnancy test earlier this week. I have had many close friends and family members who have experienced this sort of loss, and that is where I am drawing strength right now...knowing that I am not alone in this. I never thought of this baby as an embryo, it was always "my baby".
I know all the supposedly comforting comments, as I have made and thought them myself: everything happens for a reason, mother natures selection of the fittest, don't blame yourself or your spouse..yadda yadda. All this really comes as no comfort.
The girls are OK, other than seeing their mama cry at almost any given moment. This baby had a place in our family and has changed the dynamics in the short three months it was with us. Sounds super cheesy, I know. But its true. For almost three months, we were preparing for this big change. Lance was even starting to honestly get jazzed about it. (we all know he would have preferred not to have any more children) We were talking names and planning events around the due date. Last night we were discussing the garden, again, for next spring and the first thought I had was that of the baby in its sling, close to my heart, planting beside Lance....a split second later, I remembered, there would be no baby. And my heart broke again. Little moments like that are the hardest.
We are scheduled for a D & C next Wednesday at noon, although now, I am wishing I had made the appointment for Monday. At this point, I just want it to be completely over and my body to start recovering. I know the healing process is important and takes some time, but right now, with the small lifeless babe still within me, I am finding it hard. I am also hoping that my body will naturally dispel this pregnancy between now and Tuesday night. But as it has been more than a month since it should have done that, my hope is minimal.
I am finding a small amount of comfort in the thought of being able to finish our move, the remodel/texture and paint work I have yet to finish and recovering from our loss...and then I see myself pregnant again. That time around, the move will be complete, the painting done and my sewing studio ready...making for a relaxed and happy pregnancy. That is what I see in our future...that is what I am holding onto.
Love to all,
Michelle
The photos included were taken by Roxie earlier this week. They were supposed to be the start of my 4th pregnancy photo series. As you can see, I was starting to show the signs of pregnancy...with the 2nd trimester right around the corner...
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