Roxie Questions...

What do you say to the five year old who was really looking forward to being a big sister? What do you say when she asks you questions like, "Why does God make troubles, Mama?" Or "Why did God make the baby die? -why?"

Oh my sweet darlin' Roxie, I love you and I'm sure you'll get another chance at being a big sister...

Making Me Smile...

My three girls...just as they are.

Me, Right Now

I am not someone who likes pictures taken of myself, unless they are for a good reason -like pregnancy. I love my pregnancy photos. Other than that, I delete most pictures taken of me. Don't get me completely wrong, I make sure there are some photos of me in the mix, I am just very picky as to which ones those are. You must know what I mean.

When I was going through my photos last night, I came across these. The one of me looking down, Roxie snapped. And I just could not bring myself to delete it. It is not a flattering photo by any means, and any other day I wouldn't of thought twice about deleting it. But right now, I think it sums up exactly how I am feeling. I know I need to embrace this time in our lives, and deleting the photo represented me not coming to terms. It was taken Thursday night after seeing that horrible image on our ultrasound. The same image I cannot erase from my memory. I see this photo of myself and feel myself right there...feeling that deep loss and emotion. So raw and open.

I am grateful for the time I was truly pregnant, it has honestly changed our lives. When I first found out I was pregnant I started a journal, something I have done with all three of my other babies. I found it hard to go back to and write the outcome of Thursday's appointment, but also healing. Writing down my thoughts is most definitely my way to heal and overcome. Last night as I was preparing for bed, I grabbed my journal...but I couldn't write in it that time. I know it was because my small false-prego belly was staring me in the face...I couldn't help but feel it was mocking me. I know that is just my anger speaking it's mind. Underneath that emotion, I know that my body is grieving and does not want to give up this pregnancy just as much as my heart.

The three beautiful daughters I do have are my constants. They hug me and look into my eyes. They don't know how to help, but do know that all their Mama needs is their love...which they give so openly, even when Mama snaps at them.

I am blessed with a very supportive family. With a sister-in-law sending dinner and sharing what has helped her through her eight miscarriages. All of my sister-in-laws have gone through similar ordeals, and they know there is nothing to say, nothing other than I'm sorry.

The flowers in the photos were given to me by my father. When there are no words, there are always flowers. In a crazy way, I took much comfort in them.

I am trying to preoccupy myself with the last of (which kinda makes it sound like its almost done...and we're far from it!) packing so we can sell our townhouse. In a way this is good, other than the two mortgages we have right now, it is going to keep me busy.

Soon, I know it will be easier for me...and I look forward to that time.

Announcement Gone Awry...

Nearing the end of my first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, I was beginning to feel "safe"...past the initial critical development and past the early miscarriage fears. Last weekend I even posted our news on my blogs. But now, after my Thursday doctor appointment, I feel deceived, deceived by my own body. I have had what they call a missed miscarriage...meaning, at 6 wks and 2 days development something went wrong...and the embryo's heart stopped beating. My body, on the other hand, never got the memo and continued to develop and support the life it, I believe, wanted as badly as my heart did. So here I sit, with an 11 week pregnant body, and no live baby. I had been concerned as to the health of the baby, but always put it off as the normal fears. I think in some way, I must have known. The last few weeks were more worrisome than normal and I kept second guessing myself, even took another pregnancy test earlier this week. I have had many close friends and family members who have experienced this sort of loss, and that is where I am drawing strength right now...knowing that I am not alone in this. I never thought of this baby as an embryo, it was always "my baby".

I know all the supposedly comforting comments, as I have made and thought them myself: everything happens for a reason, mother natures selection of the fittest, don't blame yourself or your spouse..yadda yadda. All this really comes as no comfort.

The girls are OK, other than seeing their mama cry at almost any given moment. This baby had a place in our family and has changed the dynamics in the short three months it was with us. Sounds super cheesy, I know. But its true. For almost three months, we were preparing for this big change. Lance was even starting to honestly get jazzed about it. (we all know he would have preferred not to have any more children) We were talking names and planning events around the due date. Last night we were discussing the garden, again, for next spring and the first thought I had was that of the baby in its sling, close to my heart, planting beside Lance....a split second later, I remembered, there would be no baby. And my heart broke again. Little moments like that are the hardest.

We are scheduled for a D & C next Wednesday at noon, although now, I am wishing I had made the appointment for Monday. At this point, I just want it to be completely over and my body to start recovering. I know the healing process is important and takes some time, but right now, with the small lifeless babe still within me, I am finding it hard. I am also hoping that my body will naturally dispel this pregnancy between now and Tuesday night. But as it has been more than a month since it should have done that, my hope is minimal.

I am finding a small amount of comfort in the thought of being able to finish our move, the remodel/texture and paint work I have yet to finish and recovering from our loss...and then I see myself pregnant again. That time around, the move will be complete, the painting done and my sewing studio ready...making for a relaxed and happy pregnancy. That is what I see in our future...that is what I am holding onto.

Love to all,
Michelle

The photos included were taken by Roxie earlier this week. They were supposed to be the start of my 4th pregnancy photo series. As you can see, I was starting to show the signs of pregnancy...with the 2nd trimester right around the corner...

Happy Birthday Lance!

This past weekend Lance turned another year older and I could not help but plan a surprise fire-pit party. On Saturday I filled the coolers full of his favorite tasty beer, spent the afternoon cooking appetizers and then friends -many that we hadn't seen in a while, started showing up. Lance always tells me he does not want anything for his Birthday...but at the end of the day, he is always glad I did.

Sunday was his actual birthday and the weather was so reminiscent of the coast, my heart ached to walk on the beach. There was a breeze in which you could almost smell fall and the clouds stayed low...with a drizzle here and there.

It was beautiful...

This Big...An Announcement!

Growing our family by one come March, is what my mind is completely preoccupied with. This young plum from our orchid is about the size of our fetus right now...

Add a townhouse to sell, a farmhouse to move into fully and you could describe my life as a scrabbled egg. The best description I have heard yet.

Good thing I like scrambled eggs, eh?

(scrabbled eggs and a baby announcement in the same post...kinda funny to me. You can excuse my pregnant brain if you'd like)

Last Years Goodness...

From last years jamming session, spiced plum jam...one of my very favorites. This year I look forward to collecting and jamming up fruit from our own little orchard.

Learning Water Ways...

Every eight days we receive 40 shares of water, which will take a bit of imagination when it comes to our everyday gardening. But for watering pastures, its just fine. Early morning on that eighth day, when the sun is rising, this is where you'll find us...opening gates and moving water. First we hit the orchard and the west pasture, then we move it back to the east pasture. So rewarding just to walk the pasture in irrigating boots, controlling where the water flows. Looking out over our land and imagining what will be, and wondering what once was...

Yummy Recipe to Share...

Pasta Salad with Mozzarella, Sun-Dried Tomatoes and Olives: a yummy fix you must try! My photo does it no justice. Seriously, give it a go.

Birds Love It...

I was teasing Lance about not having a flower cutting garden, and that the native species just weren't doing it for me -a sure fire way to get his goat. Of course, I know there are plenty of Southern Idaho natives with beautiful blooms. I just wanted them NOW. I love fresh cut flowers in my home, and it is rare that I have them sitting on my dining table. So, as his way of teasing me back, he planted these cone-flowers. Sounds like a blooms flower, right? Nope, and I should have known by that certain smile he flashed me. But, I must not complain, the big cones attract so many pretty birds.....

Better than cut flowers? Perhaps.

How It Goes...

Sunrise at the farm...

Apricot trees on the farm...lots of yummy jam made...

Can't even begin to tell you how much I have painted!

Grounds work...in the works!

The potential consumes us...

Sunset at the farm...

I have been missing my time spent here quite a bit. With our move still in the works, I must come into town to sit at my computer...and with all the amazing finds and happenings at the farm, I find it hard to get back into town. I am sure you can imagine. I had wondered if we would be the ones to enjoy our garden bounty, but with how it goes, we are! Which ultimately means...I have yet to finish packing and list our townhouse for sale. The beauty in that is that we are enjoying home-grown goodness to no end -salsa, fried zucchini, stuffed bell peppers, steamed green beans and fresh carrots dug right out of the ground!

I have so many things and photographs I would love to share with you all, if I still have any readers left that is... Soon, so very soon, I hope to be in closer reach of the blogosphere. My finger tips are loving the feel of this keyboard!

Townhouse garden still provides...



Until next time...
(You can find more of us on my Flickr...)